🎮Videogames

When playing a video game, easy mode is just hard mode for the bad guys

If you're fighting a boss in easy mode the boss is fighting in hard mode

///

Game stop: store to stop gamers

💻Social Media / Facebook / Internet

Grandmothers used to share old wive’s tales. Now they share fake news on social media.

Blackboards with white chalk is the original dark theme.

🔪 🔫 Violence / shooting / stabbing / attack

Decapitation isn't cutting a person's head off, it's cutting a person's body off.

🚽Toilets / bathroom / poo / feces / pee

Wiping feces off any other part of our body with just paper without washing would be disgusting.

Toilets are just water slides for our feces

When you sit on the toilet you connect your butthole up to the large network of connected buttholes

///

🛌 Did u used to wet bed when younger? No. Not when younger

🎥🎬 Movies / Celebrity / famous

Notice how Shrek is all about accepting who you are as beautiful, yet the whole movie they make fun of Lord Farquaad for being short.

Elvis Presley is getting a little too old to fake being dead.

About an hour after the final scene in many Disney movies, the main character will be losing her virginity.

⚖🏛 Crime / Law / Lawyer

If you help a criminal before his crime, you’re his partner. If you help him after, you’re his lawyer.

🧛‍♀️🧞‍♂️ Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Myth / Fiction / myth / legend / dinosaur 🧟‍♀️🧙‍♀️

How do Vampires always look so neat and tidy if they can't see themselves in the mirror

If vampires are real they must hold the cure for AIDS.

Maybe nobody has traveled from the future because the human race has no future.

From the dinosaurs' point of view, Humans are basically post-apocalyptical mutants.

Santa is actually a cruel story for most of the children in the world that don’t get any presents every year.

🚓 🚑 🚒 Municipal + Services + City

If libraries were thought up today, they would be shut down by book industry lobbyists

The opposite of a Firetruck would be a Watertruck. It’d be blue and have flamethrowers attached to it.

Why can't hotels have a 13th floor, but airports can have a gate C4?

👮🕷 cops are like spiders...they defend us from bad, but we fear them all based on a few stories

👮🏻 Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Unless you want to join the police or the military. Then it's a felony.

💤 💭Sleep Dreams Mind 🧠

Sleep is the only thing that you fake doing in order to actually do it.

When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that joke. Of course you think it's funny.

Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning; is the human version of 'Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?

🚗 Brains are to people what people are to cars

how'd you sleep? kinda like this ... Zzzz

did i wake you?  no i was just sleeping...

⚽️ 🏀 🏈 🎾 Sports

Races would be a fuck ton more interesting the goal was to finish 4th instead of 1st

💅 Makeup is allowed in beauty pageants yet steroids aren't allowed in sports

Typing your password is like serving in tennis. The first attempt you try to smash it with fuck-off-record-breaker speed. If that doesn't work you go again more carefully, but it's still fast to the casual observer.

Watching a sports team and saying we won is the same as watching a pornstar and saying we had sex

/////

Figure skating penalty shoot

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Soccer (Home Field Advantage):
Advantage tends to be for fields built for soccer: (home team's leading will get less stoppage time; home team losing will have more stoppage time) Built-for fields have fans closer to field (vs. track field). Fans are intimidating to referee. (freakonomicS)

Soccer (penalty Shootouts):
More likely to score when shooting straight ahead, but if miss then singled out as foolish. More dangerous for the individual: better to shoot left/right - and to appear like you "tried".
Goalie: better to dive left/right - to appear like you're trying than to stand in place and miss a left/right - because most players will not take this individual chance - need to jump left/right.
Optics: better to appear like you tried than to actually try to score. (freakonomics)

🌲 🌳 🌴 🌱 🌿 ☘️ Nature

Somewhere in the middle of the lake is a bunch of good skipping rocks.

👨‍👦‍👦 🤰 🤱Children kids Baby pregnancy parents

Having a kid is like hitting "continue" on a video game

Guitarists are the only people allowed to finger minors.

I was a wank away from never existing.

Bad date talk: "I'm torn on abortions. I'm all in favor of killing babies, but then you're giving women a choice."

If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.